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What happened to common courtesy? Being ghosted by another person can lead to significant personal loss. But, Ghosters be warned, it can be significant for you too.

I spent the whole of August working in cricket in England.  I enjoyed the experience immensely despite the poor run of results for the team I was with. The lessons of losing and the mistakes made are the biggest of all. No doubt when the dust settles, it will all serve us well and the team will be stronger next year. 

Throughout the time I was there, I had a separate challenge I was dealing with.  It became top of mind again after seeing the posts on RUOK? Day. During my time in England and just before I left,  I was providing support to a good friend of mine who was going through some difficult times.  A highly educated and professional person and successful by any measure.  A good man, with a strong moral and ethical code.  Integrity and reliability have always been a big part of his DNA. I was so impressed with him that at one time he become part of my team.  We’ve shared some holidays together and many joyful experiences.  He’s well known to my family who all think very highly of him too. Anyhow, in our chat, he opened up to me  about his deep sadness, self-doubt, loss of confidence and self-worth.  I must say, I was deeply concerned about his demeanour.  He was the second friend I’d caught up with in a month who had not been earning a living (and not for lack of trying).  What emerged out of the conversation was a significant theme.  Whilst I was overseas, I started to dig a little deeper into the theme and unearthed what I will describe as a new epidemic in our modern society. 

The newly emerging and common mode of “ghosting.”  For my friend, “ghosting” has been the most soul-destroying aspect of life. Wondering if anyone will respond to his calls.  Wondering if anyone cares. From the outside you would pass him by and think he’s ok.  But he’s far from it. Whilst initially affecting work, it’s affected him so much it’s spilled into his hoe life and into relationships out of work too.

He asked me if my experience was the same.  I’ve certainly noticed it’s becoming more prevalent in life.  So, I did my own mini survey! During my time in England, I thought I would follow up with several people, all of whom I know well professionally and vice versa.  Out of the eight efforts I made to communicate, only two responded! 

Last week I had another conversation.  This time, a family man, happily married with small children.  He works in the not-for-profit sector. Maybe an unconscious bias on my part, but you would hope things were better there.  It seems not.  After losing his job through cost cuts he went on the difficult road of searching for more work. He was dismayed at the number of employers who didn’t answer his email and resume after requesting it.  Once more.  The impact of such poor human behaviour is significant. 

The International Journal of Environmental Research and Public Health examined different psychological outcomes in 600 adults who had experienced ghosting.  What emerged were clear patterns of “self-perceived loneliness, increased helplessness and lower satisfaction with life.”

A recent article in the CEO magazine reports that “ghosting” in relation to jobseekers and employees has grown dramatically. Their estimates suggested 76% of all job seekers and employees had experienced ghosting in the last 12 months. In a LinkedIn Poll in 2020, 93% of the 2,500 participants had been ghosted during an active hiring process. Whatever the number, it’s very high and for small business undertaking requests for proposals  and contract staff, it’s even higher. This seems extraordinary given it’s almost the antithesis of the conversations we all had during covid – making sure we’re looking after each other. 

We must question why this is? What’s happened to our society that individuals see this as an acceptable behaviour? One wonders if people who are comfortable with “ghosting” in work, translate that into personal life and vice versa.  That’s an opportunity for a research project for sure.

To be modernist about it, I took to chat gpt to see if it could offer some wisdom about the areas in business where ghosting is prevalent.  It offered me this:

1. Job Applications: A job applicant who has been in communication with a company, perhaps through interviews or follow-up emails, suddenly stops responding to further communications, such as job offers, interview requests, or emails from the employer.
2. Networking and Business Contacts: In networking situations, someone might exchange contact information and express interest in collaborating or doing business together. However, one party may abruptly cease communication, ignoring emails, calls, or messages, without formally declining the business opportunity.
3. Vendor or Client Relationships: In business-to-business relationships, a vendor, client, or business partner might suddenly stop responding or fulfilling their obligations without providing a reason or notice.

Most significantly, even Chat GPT had this to say: “Ghosting in a business context is generally considered unprofessional and disrespectful. It can have negative consequences for all parties involved, including damaged professional reputations, missed opportunities, and strained relationships. Effective communication, transparency, and professionalism are essential in maintaining healthy business relationships, and ghosting runs counter to these principles.”

Ok.  If we’re a little uncomfortable  about AI providing commentary on the subject, let’s turn to some expert commentators.

In a 2016 article, Aliza Licht provides a fun but telling view on categorising ghosters.

The 'Hiring' Ghost:  The hirers  seeking candidates, but once resumes are received or interviews taken place, they never respond or give feedback.

The 'Job-Seeking' Ghost:  Job candidates take an employer’s time by email, by phone, by interview then do a disappearing act!

The 'Lying' Ghost: agrees to do something but don’t follow through.

The 'Serial' Ghost: Asks for time on the calendar then regularly bails out and reschedules and bails out.

The 'Intimidated' Ghost:  Those who disappear after asking for advice and help!

The 'Clueless' Ghost: Don’t know how to value of professional relationships and building a strong network.

The 'User' Ghost: Responsive and engaged when they want something but unresponsive once they have needs fulfilled and you need something.

The 'Non-Confrontational' Ghost: The person who doesn't like to deal with uncomfortable situations so avoids them.

The 'Drowning' Ghost: Overwhelmed with life and work so always has an excuse as to why you don’t get a response. NB. WE”RE ALL BUSY!!

The 'They’re  Not That into You' Ghost: Never responds to emails and you keep on making excuses for their silence. It’s  not that they’re busy, it's that they’re not that into you.

The 'Can't Deal' Ghost: This ghost can’t seem to have time to think and decide, so you need to lead.

The 'Legit Busy' Ghost: This person has a high-powered job with  constantly juggling balls and putting out fires. Therefore, you’re just not a priority. NOTE: Personally- I think this is nonsense. Watch the legit busy ghosts respond to big corporate sports events and be seen!  Review the previous ghosts.  You’ll find the real fit there! 

The 'Unprofessional' Ghost: This is perhaps the worst offender. For no obvious reason, they don’t respond to you when you have a professional relationship.

The 'Information Seeker' Ghost:  The person who seeks information then when you respond, they disappear!

 (Licht A.  “The-pitfalls-of-workplace-ghosting,” Forbes 2016)

What’s your own reflection of the categories? Have you experienced any of these as a sender or receiver?

Dr Tony Spann of the Forbes Health Advisory Board suggests that one of the reasons for people ghosting is that they “have a challenge with difficult conversations, conflict resolution and expressing themselves to other.” In other words, it could be a skills gap.  This is rather disconcerting to have people leading teams and organisations who don’t have such fundamental skills.  Should this be so, then let’s fix the skill gap! (Our team would be more than happy to help you and your organisation with this!)

What’s galling about all of this, is that some of the very people who comfortably lead the chat about “mental health” concerns, who sit on the leadership panels, who provide expert advice to the business community are some of the very people who can’t even send a note or pick up the phone.  They’d prefer to “ghost” fellow human beings.  They have become desensitized to poor behaviour.

Gene Marks wrote in the Guardian on the subject in late 2022.  He made this comment relating to recruitment ghosting:

“what about the company that behaves this way? Is this living up to their so-called mission statement? Do you believe they are making the world a better place”, “creating value” or “building a sustainable future” like they say in their corporate propaganda?”

G Marks: The Guardian.com November 2022

The University of Kansas Medical Center provides some useful advice on how to deal with ghosting. I’ve generalised this advice to cover all ghosting situations.

• Streamline your own process of communication.
• Layout clear timelines and communication
• Utilize auto messaging appropriately.
• Keep detailed records on those who ghost you.
• Giving an ‘out’ to people
• Knowing when to move on
• Think how you can target the source of behaviour to prevent it. 
• Focus on attentiveness and improved communication in all stages of a relationship.
• Being transparent, empathetic, and authentic – build more comfort and trust.
• Identify potential negative behaviours early.

“Can we talk about the ghost in the room?” (https://www.kumc.edu/documents/ruralhealth/elevate/Can%20We%20Talk%20About%20the%20Ghost%20in%20the%20Room.pdf) 

Final Thoughts

For both my friends, I provided a few thoughts which seemed to help.

Acknowledge and accept that an acquaintance doesn’t have to respond to you. When you’ve tried to engage and re-engage and there’s still no response, move on.  Of course, the experience can be upsetting, rude and discourteous, but they’re not the people who have the same belief system as you and they’re people you shouldn’t associate with.  Find those that do who will show you mutual respect. Do remember that everything passes in time.

I also referred my two friends to the Trust Equation created by Charles Green and first seen in his book “The Trusted Advisor.”  For those being ghosted or ghosting , perhaps it can help in assessing what a person’s expectations are in a relationship.

And a few words for the ghosters!

Remember that actions speak louder than words.  If you’re an individual who is “ghosting” and perhaps not even noticing you’re doing it, BE WARNED.  Whilst it might seem an easy short-term strategy to avoid someone, we are all connected. The World is a small place and don’t be surprised if you are the ghosted before you know it! That person you choose to ignore and dismiss will undoubtedly share their opinion of you. Your potential supplier could be your customer. Your candidate may one day be your superior.  That’s your personal brand you’re betting on.  

About Mike:

Mike Conway is Founder and CEO of XVenture and an Honorary Professor specialising in EQ Communications and Leadership. He is an expert in behavioural and social sciences and learning solutions. He advises major corporations, elite sports teams, and the education sector globally and has written and directed national tv series and educational programs on the subject  .  He’s also completing a Doctoral studies program on the impact of integrated mindset interventions on individual performance.